


Better Than I Was

by clio_jlh



Category: Girls Trip (2017)
Genre: F/F, Femslash, Friends to Lovers, Misses Clause Challenge, New Year's Eve, Old Friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 12:05:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13053642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clio_jlh/pseuds/clio_jlh
Summary: New Year's 2018, and a newly single Ryan needs a date.  Maybe someone from her past, and her present, can point the way into her future.





	Better Than I Was

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mazily](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mazily/gifts).



> Thanks to my pals for listening to me talk about this story, and to mazily for the perfect prompt. Writing femslash for Yuletide is always its own reward!

This being on your own business was a lot tougher than all of Ryan's friends had made it look. Pretending to have it all had nothing on doing it all yourself, however much she'd actually _been_ doing it all herself when _he_ was still in the picture. 

(That was Dina's idea, to refer to Stewart only as "him." Usually this went with a wave of the hand, like, "oh, _him_ " because "his name don't deserve to be on your lips, girl." She had a point.)

But when that first invitation came—the first one for which she didn't have an automatic plus one—well, it was a long night.

"Let me guess, red wine and—what's the binge on Hulu?" Julian asked. Ne-Yo was on a European tour so the time difference was working in their favor for once.

"There's a Dorothy Dandridge marathon on TCM," Ryan replied.

"You still have _cable_? You sure we went to college the same year?"

Ryan sighed. "Sometimes you make me wonder why I answered the phone."

"Because I make you laugh. Now you know I'm happy to be your escort to that _Black Enterprise_ New Year's party. For once I'm not working that night. I know it's not the same thing but—"

"No," she said, before she could think about it. "No, you need to go out with your man, now that you've found him."

Julian was silent for long enough that she wondered if they’d been cut off before he said, “Think that’s a good idea?”

“Very,” she replied. "Don’t worry about me. I’ll bring one of the ladies."

"Really? Doesn’t seem like Dina’s type of party."

"Hey now, she can class it up when she wants to!"

"Yeah but when does she want to?"

* * *

Ryan called Lisa the next day. Still plenty of time for her to get a sitter if her mama was going out, too. 

"Oh, honey, Sasha asked me last week," she said. "I thought you knew."

Ryan realized that she and Sasha hadn't discussed the party at all since the invitations came into the office and they checked to make sure they had each received one. 

Lisa filled the silence. "Don't get me wrong; dating again's been fun. But none of these men deserve my midnight kiss."

"And Sasha does?" Ryan teased.

"More than Malcolm. He can get it, though!"

Ryan laughed. "So you'll let him between your thighs but not kiss you in public at a party?"

"Start how you mean to go on!" Lisa replied. "We're moving from a one year to a two year. Who you're with during that transition matters for your whole year."

"You and your numerology," Ryan said, shaking her head. Then she remembered her past three New Year's Eves, the perfunctory, performative, passionless kisses with _him_ in the middle of glamorous parties full of former athletes and other assorted almost-famous people. "But you're right; it matters."

"I'd rather be with my girls than some fly-by-night," Lisa said. "Wouldn't you?"

* * *

"You probably already have plans, but—"

"Naw, nothing like _this_ ," Dina said. "A room full of enterprising men? Don't have to ask me twice."

"Thanks, Dina," Ryan said. "I really appreciate it."

"I'm glad you're getting out. You and Sasha've been working _hard_. At least this time it's for you and not _him_ but still, you need to get out! Have a good time that isn't just a few margaritas and some nachos. You know I'm right."

"I do, I do," she replied. "You have a black dress, right? They want everyone in black."

"Oh, I got that covered. I got something that will blow those boys' _minds_. "

"Dina, it's a _Black Enterprise_ party, not _XXL_."

"You know those geeky boys love me."

"Yeah but at FAMU you did not love them back."

"They were broke in college! Now they have all that money I can tell them how to spend it."

"On you?"

"That's right. Oh, I am looking forward to _this_!"

* * *

As usual, Dina's enthusiasm was contagious, but it was Lisa's words that echoed in Ryan's mind as she shopped in her closet for the right dress. Sasha had come over for a planning dinner with her Hello Fresh box (lemony chicken paillard with sweet potato wedges, arugula salad, and chimichurri). Now, a few hours of work later, their bellies were full and their tablets were charging in the other room. Ryan and Sasha couldn't share clothes or shoes, but Ryan was more than happy to loan Sasha some jewelry in exchange for her advice. Sasha always seemed to know just what would look best on Ryan.

"Glad you're recycling," Sasha said. She'd settled herself into the chair near the walk-in closet, glass of rosé at her side as she looked through Ryan's jewelry box. "Lord knows you got enough dresses in there."

"Yeah, but a lot of them have that bad-memory-funk," Ryan replied, looking at another dress that _he_ had barely looked at her in, remembering another dinner party where they just went through the motions.

"Nothing like another party to clean that off," Sasha said. 

Ryan pulled a few and laid them on her bed. "Not these," she said. 

Sasha got up and flipped through them. "Since when were you a size two?" she asked, then held up another. "Also I'm not sure there's enough fabric here to count as a dress—this is tinier than the one you loaned Lisa!"

"Those are the two ways I reacted after the first girl he fucked," she said. "First I tried to fight fire with fire, which didn't matter because he never looked at me anyway. And then I stopped eating for a while." Ryan turned back to the closet, but not in time to miss the concern in Sasha's eyes.

"What got you eating again?" Sasha asked.

"The cookbook," Ryan replied. "Gotta test those recipes." She slipped into the dinner party dress and came back out to see that Sasha had resumed her jewelry search. "How about this?"

Sasha cocked her head. "It's all right," she said, shrugging. "But kinda—"

"Basic?" 

"Yeah. Bust it out at a working cocktail party."

"Right," Ryan said, and went back to the closet. 

While Sasha found the perfect hoops (they'd been too big for Ryan's face) and a necklace that slipped into her cleavage in just the right way (Ryan could see how anyone's eyes would follow it down, like an arrow to her breasts) Ryan tried on a few dresses they similarly set aside for other occasions.

Which just left one dress, the dress she'd thought she'd definitely have to give away, the dress with the worst memories of a fight that started before they headed out and lasted all evening, ending only when he left the party entirely, and didn't come home until late afternoon the next day. That night their marriage had died, but they had a book signing two days later, and so the partnership had begun.

Happily her partnership with Sasha was nothing like that had been. Ryan pulled up the side-zip and slipped into some heels for the best effect. She took a deep breath, physically shook off those memories, and walked out of her closet with her shoulders back and her head held high. "What do you think?" she asked.

Sasha looked up and her eyes grew wide. Her expression reminded Ryan of … well, she couldn't place it at the moment. "That's the dress."

Ryan smoothed down the corset top with her hands. "You really think so?" she asked. "It was a very bad night, the last time I wore this."

"Then we'll make sure this time it's a very good night," Sasha said, smiling widely, and Ryan let herself believe that. Then, abruptly, Sasha added, "I should go."

"So soon?" Ryan asked, confused.

"It's kinda late," Sasha said, "and you have the dress and I have the jewelry so we're good, right?" She looked up from packing her things. "Right?"

Ryan wasn't sure why she felt like all the air had left her lungs. "Right, sure," she said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Like always," Sasha said, and turned for the door. Then, as though she thought better of it, she came back into the bedroom and gave Ryan a hug. 

Just like that, Ryan felt better, not worried that she'd done some mysterious wrong thing to send Sasha away. "We'll have fun."

Sasha pulled back. "We will," she said, nodding, and then she was gone.

Ryan tided up, putting the "never again" dresses in a bag for donation. It wasn't until she was sitting in front of her mirror taking off her makeup that she thought again of that look on Sasha's face, and all at once she remembered where and when she'd seen it before, why she'd tried hard to forget. Spring break senior year, when she'd had to stay on campus for swim team and Sasha for the paper, and they'd spent nearly all of their free time together. On the last night Ryan had brought Sasha along when the team was hitting the bars, and when Sasha seemed interested in talking to one of her teammates Ryan hadn't liked that at all, got a little clingy in response. When they got back to their room Sasha asked what Ryan's problem was, and the only way Ryan could think to answer was to kiss her—a kiss that was passionately returned, to her surprise. They didn't get up to much more than making out and cuddling before they passed out together on Sasha's bed. 

The next morning Ryan said nothing, as though it had been just another night of drinking a little too much and falling into the same bed, and luckily Sasha followed her lead. Sasha even befriended that other girl on Ryan's swim team. They never spoke of it again. 

Now, looking at her own naked face framed by her head scarf, she wondered what might have happened if she'd had the courage to pursue it. Not just because Sasha's a woman, but her friend, one of her best friends. A friend whose loss over the last few years she'd felt deeply. 

Best to forget.

* * *

The night couldn't have started better. They shared a car to the event, which was in one of those open spaces high in a skyscraper, with views of the city. Passed hors d'oeuvres and champagne were followed by an elegant sit-down dinner. Their table companions were a young married couple building an online commerce business, and two men who'd developed an app that helped people facing a serious illness keep track of their doctor's appointments, or those of their loved ones if they were a caretaker. 

As predicted, one of the developers took a shine to Dina, while the other was a single father with children the same age as Lisa's, so they talked soccer and other kid activities. Ryan and Sasha were on either side of the couple, and Ryan tried to tamp down her flares of jealousy. She and Sasha had a good partnership going, much better than she'd ever had with _him_ even at the beginning, when it was good. And yet.

"Ryan, I hope it isn't too personal to say," started the wife—June, that was her name; no good calling anyone "the wife" even in her head—"but I've been listening to your Essence Festival keynote address for motivation since the summer. I don't want to remind you of a hard time, but to be an inspiration with all that nonsense around you shows real courage, I think."

Ryan blinked. "I don't understand. You and your husband seem just fine."

"Oh we are," June replied, "but it reminds me that it's only as strong as the two of us, and if I put everything into 'us' then I won't have any 'me' left. I certainly see my girls more often!" She laughed, and Ryan laughed along. "Mark's the same. Gotta fill the tank, you know?"

"What a lovely way to put that, June. Be careful—I might steal it for my next book!"

June chuckled. "You'd only be stealing it back, believe me!"

Ryan brightened, and that good feeling got her through the rest of the dinner. Then the dancing started. Dina and her developer were the first ones on the floor, shortly followed by Mark and June. Eventually, Lisa and her new parenting friend were gone, leaving only Sasha and Ryan. 

Sasha stood. "All right, come on," she said, holding out her hand. 

Ryan looked up. Sasha was in one of those draped jumpsuits she favored, black trimmed in gold accents, and the hoops and necklace she'd borrowed from Ryan. Her hair was in a tall pompadour atop her head, making her seem even taller and more regal. 

"Don't leave me hanging here," Sasha said. "Let's dance."

How could she say no? She didn't even want to, if she was honest. She followed Sasha to the floor and thought of the many times they'd danced in bars, clubs, at parties, in hotel rooms and living rooms. This was just more of the same.

Except that every moment Ryan was aware of Sasha's movements in a way she'd never been before, aware of how well Sasha filled out her jumpsuit, aware of every other person in the room who even glanced Sasha's way. They danced together easily, fluidly, like the old friends they were, but there was something else, too. 

Ryan switched to club soda with lemon, wanting her senses as sharp as possible, her every action deliberate, even though her feelings were entirely out of control, coming from a place she couldn't even recognize. 

Shortly before midnight the DJ switched to a slow song, and she went easily into Sasha's arms. The reality of that—of the smell and feel of Sasha's body against her own, of how readily she went to her—was like someone had splashed her with cold water. She lifted her head and saw that same look in Sasha's eyes. This was the real thing.

"I—I—I'm sorry," she said, and fled the floor, fled Sasha, all but ran to the balcony that wrapped around the party space. She needed cold air, some space to figure herself out. 

She stood at the railing, trying to catch her breath—oh god, maybe she did run, _not_ the best look. The city looked beautiful, all decked out for the holiday, what stars she could see in the dark sky merging in her mind with the city lights. 

Of course not a minute later Lisa appeared on one side of her, and Dina on the other. Lisa took her hand. "Baby, I know it's hard, but—"

"No!" Dina shouted. "Enough of that. It ain't helping." She turned Ryan to face her. "Look, we all know what happened spring break senior year, okay?"

Ryan turned to Lisa, shocked, but Lisa just shrugged. "When we got back you could cut the tension with a knife. You don't tell anyone anything you don't want them to know, so we had to get it out of Sasha, but honestly, we weren't that surprised."

"Not one bit," Dina agreed. "We even thought that when you said you wanted Sasha to be your partner that you meant, you know, _partner_!"

Lisa nodded her agreement. "We've just been waiting around for you to figure yourselves out."

"But you can't even do _that_ without our help," Dina added.

"You mean, you two arranged this?" Ryan asked. "Does Sasha know?"

"I do now," Sasha said from behind them, and they all turned to see her standing with four champagne flutes on a small tray. "Thought I'd bring these out here. Can't waste midnight."

"Thanks, Sasha!" Dina said, and took a glass, as did Lisa. Ryan could only stare, feeling rooted to the spot as Sasha came toward her. 

"Don't worry about all this," Sasha said. "We don't need to be anything more than what we are now."

But the disappointment was written all over Sasha's face, and Ryan was damned if she was going to be responsible for that just because of her own fears. "What if I wanted to?" she asked, taking a champagne flute. 

Sasha took the remaining glass and set the tray aside. "You'd have to stop running long enough for me to catch you."

"Or I could catch you," she said. She could hear the crowd inside begin the countdown at twenty.

"I've always been here," Sasha said. 

"So have I," Ryan replied. "I just didn't realize."

Sasha smiled. "Now you do?" she asked.

"Now I do," Ryan replied, and they were kissing, a little ahead of midnight but no worse for that. No, that was just fine.

When they pulled back the crowd inside was cheering, and Ryan wondered if it was for them for a moment before remembering that it was midnight on New Year's. 

"Happy 2018," Sasha said. 

"Happy 2018," Ryan replied. Then she remembered Lisa and Dina, and they were still out on the balcony, standing a little closer than before. 

Sasha cocked her head. "Did you two—"

" _Yeah_ ," Dina said. "Just to see."

"And?" Ryan asked. 

Dina and Lisa both shrugged. Lisa said, "Better than kissing some stranger I met a few hours ago."

"Damn straight," Dina added. "Wanna find those developer boys? We can double-team them!"

Lisa got a wicked smile on her face, like the Lisa of old. "Lead the way! Start how we mean to go on!"

Ryan had to laugh at that, but it was so easy to laugh now, like a weight had been lifted that she didn't even know she was carrying. "I certainly mean to go on like this."

"Oh really?" Sasha asked, grinning. "Then show me."

And Ryan kissed her again.

**Author's Note:**

> Written while listening to SZA, Syd and Kelela. Highly recommended.
> 
> Does _Black Enterprise_ have the money or the pull to throw a big glittery New Year's Eve party? Probably not, but let's just go with it.


End file.
